My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
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Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
finally
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?