My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
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If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]