I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
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“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u