INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
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Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Risking my life for fun.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
My daily affirmation
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do