No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
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My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Deer are just ballerina dogs
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”