Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
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*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*