Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
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The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Wait a second…
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.