My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
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They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend