Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
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I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire