me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
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If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
HERE’S MARKY
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
My favorite farside!!
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.