[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
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11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”