I’m being attacked 😭
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painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.