That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
You Might Also Like
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.