[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
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Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
#dalle2
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.