ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
You Might Also Like
The fall of Netflix
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
This was my dad’s browser history.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Welcome to the stomach
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?