馃幍Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
馃幍Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
馃幍Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
馃幍Baby shark!馃幎
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I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it鈥檚 just me opening a jar of pickles
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN鈥橳 HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you鈥檙e supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult馃槶
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don鈥檛 even show up to that.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.