Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
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You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
January has been Januweary
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how