My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
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He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Day 2 of my diet
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year