Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
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Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
fired
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Every damn time
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?