“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
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Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
new wife guy just dropped
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand