My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
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maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing