Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 馃幎
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Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
馃摳: @thesproutingsunflower
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn鈥檛 exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I鈥檓 eating chips and watching TV and I鈥檓 not annoyed anymore.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
馃拃馃拃馃ぃ Why are we like this?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
it was hard being a teenager with the last name 賱夭賷賯 i mean stalk one guy and you’re 賱夭賷賯丞 for the next three years
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I鈥檝e seen enough
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”