*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
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GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
😆this is so true
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”