[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!