so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
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Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?