I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
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me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
I’d love this…lol
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name