Dolls on drugs
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I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
I laughed at this way too hard.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?