Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
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We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Does it…does it take 3 days
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
This checks out
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
sleeping beauty
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.