Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
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This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine