ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
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Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
New comic up. “Ransom”
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
unbelievably distressed by this ad
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.