*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
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*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.