All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
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[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.