Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
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If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said