difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
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“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Meow
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Trying
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro