The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
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Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
cry laughing at this shit
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.