I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
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Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.