This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
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Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
I laughed at this way too hard.
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.