Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
You Might Also Like
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me