Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
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Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.