I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
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My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Godspeed, John Glenn
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?