Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
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“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!