Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
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Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
The Book. The Movie.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now