Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
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I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I missed you with all my darts
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Cake safety first. Always.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to