Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
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Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Oceanography is all about current events
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.