As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
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Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
when someone rings the doorbell
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.