what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
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Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.