[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
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“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
new year update: losing everything but weight
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.