coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
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In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
I feel it
Dating Tips
1.
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Funny women are smart. Be careful.