I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
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Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.