Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.